Wednesday, May 28, 2014


A few pictures taken during the weekend when we were up in Blackfoot after Hazel's burial. 

This was too cute I had to take a picture. Connor completely passed out on the kitchen floor with oven  mitts on and all, it's safe to say that he was tuckered out!

Grandpa snuggling with Marley while watching Frozen. Marley wasn't feeling well and just wanted to rest.

Jonathan and Jessica were so sweet and wanted to do something for our family and sent us the girls favorite new movie, FROZEN!!!

Kaydence and I were just sitting, talking, and laughing together. I love listening to her and seeing how her mind works. I love her genuine laugh and sweet nature, I sure enjoy her. As we were snuggling we took some "selfies"
I want to remember every moment.

Aunt Mickell holding the girls

Making Easter eggs together was so fun, the girls were using their artistic abilities and getting creative.The eggs looked terrific, they were pretty proud of them!
The next day after church we first had a scavenger hunt with clues that took to them to their next treasure. Travis and I had fun coming up with the rhymes, we are so good (lol, I should have typed them all up on here so everyone could laugh at our great skills in this department). Then we had an Easter Egg hunt and just let the kids loose running around.

Girls weekly play date
Kaydence and Mackenzie, they are so darn cute!

Marley and Brooklyn, Brooklyn refused to look at the camera :)

Being silly, taking pictures and making video's on their tablet (that is their favorite thing to do with that tablet).

Our television went out on us, so on that Saturday morning the kids watched cartoons on the laptop (keeping the Saturday morning cartoon tradition alive).I just thought it was funny.

Beni's Sandbox! We love to visit Beni and play in her huge sandbox, then she always feeds us treats, its great.
The kids wanted to be buried. The sun was way too bright for them to keep their eyes open.

Dane's birthday.
We celebrated Dane's birthday for FHE (since his birthday fell on a Monday). We had some of Dane's signature snacks, french bread and goldfish. Then we sang him Happy Birthday. We shared some of our favorite memories with Dane, then watched the photo montage Travis had made. I miss and love that boy so much, it hurts knowing that I won't be able to share more memories with him, or squeeze him, or see his smile, hear him whistling, or talk with him in this life. I'm so grateful that I will be able to see him again and that we are an eternal family, it's still really hard having that separation. I love you so incredibly much Dane, I am so grateful for the memories I do have with you, for all the squeezes I was able to give you, to see your smile, hear your laugh, hear you whistling all the time, and that I was able to just sit and talk to you the times that I did. Everything is so precious, every moment in life is precious and I try to see that now with every moment that I'm blessed with.

I cannot believe how quickly this boy is growing, we are so crazy about our Kesler!
A few things about Kesler at two:
Kesler is not a "spotlight" child. In that I mean that he is not one to go looking for attention or to show off and when he does get attention from others he shakes his head "no",  furrows his brows then looks away. That is his reaction when people come up and say how cute he is, but instead of this deterring others it often has the opposite affect. He is my first shy child and I love it, both are great it's just so different.
He isn't shy at all at home with us or with select others (like grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins).
 He likes to try to figure out how things work, pull things apart (especially our vacuum), do projects with dad, he loves to chase his sister around the house growling and making "scary" sounds.  He acts like random things are guns or swords and makes sounds with it (I have no idea where he learned that). When he gets hyper it's usually at night and he loves to run around laughing and then landing on our laps to be tickled. He loves animals but especially dogs. He will stick out his tongue crawl on all fours and bark a lot.
I had to share this experience because it is one illustration of how different he is then the girls and how he is all boy. The other night we rented the second Hobbit movie from Redbox. We watched it after the girls went to bed but Kesler was just standing against the couch watching it with us for a bit (this is when he usually sits with us and enjoys just being with mom and dad, at night). Travis and I looked at each other and said, we should probably move him into another room because there were some really freaky characters in it. Right then an Ogre nasty guy startled us and growled right in the center of the screen. Kesler jumped, just like we did, but then just started laughing. It was crazy to me! I can't believe how different he is from our girls.
Kesler, in trying to figure things out, is also cautious. He likes to figure out how things work, how deep the water is (he has to test it out and slowly gets in), how deep a step is, how a dog reacts before petting it, anything new he likes to see how it works first. He doesn't get hurt often because of this I believe.
Kesler is such a joy and blessing, we are so eternally grateful for this precious boy!!!

This boy LOVES his blanky!

He "helped" me make his birthday cake.

We just walked past the bathroom one day and there Kesler was sitting on the pot. Potty training time ahead (not my favorite).

He LOVES balls! That is one of the words he says the most, next to "no" and "mom". It doesn't matter what kind of a ball it is, that is the toy he will always pick. He makes up his own games with the balls so we got him some soft baseballs, a little glove, and some other fun little things.

Kaydence used the money she's been earning to buy him this light up squishy ball alien thing. She loves to share and use her money on others, it's sweet.

Playing ball outside, Kaydence was really good at it. She has great hand eye coordination. Kesler just likes fetching the balls for everyone.

My parents came to stay with us a couple weeks later and while they were here we celebrated his birthday again and they got him presents so I'm adding it here (even though it was in May).

 Grandma and grandpa got Kesler a t-ball set, a pirate set (Jake and the Never land pirates), and a cute book. He didn't put the sword down, no one taught him what to do he just went around running after everyone with his sword. It was great!

He loves his grandma and grandpa!

He was sawing grandma in half!
 All the kids were pretending to be pirates and grandpa was Captain Hook. I have no idea how my dad has so much energy, he plays and plays with the kids the whole time! We all LOVE it!

Great month, I love the beautiful weather, flowers, and days spent outside with the kids.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


It is so hard to know what to write for this post. I have written down the whole experience and I want it in my book but it is really quite long and personal. So I will write what I hope is appropriate. 
I'm going to post most of the pictures as well, except for the ones of Hazel herself. She is beautiful to us but she didn't look like a normal baby (seeing as how she wasn't fully developed)  so we have decided to keep those pictures just for us.
  This was a hard pregnancy, none of my previous pregnancies had been so hard on me. I had little nausea with my others, like with Marley I was nauseous until I was like 23 weeks but it was like a car sickness feeling. With this pregnancy I was so sick it got hard to function and there were a few times where I would just cry on my bed completely miserable. It got to the point where I had a couple hours of reprieve between the nausea hitting me but then about a week later the migraines came. I am one that doesn't like to take medicine or pills especially when I'm pregnant but it hurt so bad I was constantly on Tylenol and it only took off the edge. My head and especially behind my eyes hurt, noise hurt, moving my head hurt (especially bending down I would get so light headed and I would get such sharp pain right in the front part of my head when I did). I called my doctor a couple times about other options of what I can do and got a prescription that worked less well than the Tylenol did. Needless to go on further, I was pretty miserable.
  I had my doctors’ appointments as usual, saw Hazel in an ultrasound at 9 weeks and saw her heartbeat. Then my next doctors appointment heard her heart and all seemed well. Then we had our 20 week ultrasound appointment to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. I was so excited to see her and find out for sure what we were having. A few days before the ultrasound I felt a difference, very subtle and hard to describe but it felt like my tummy wasn't as full or that the growth had slowed or stopped. I still thought it was just me worrying.
   (Travis took this picture of me as we were getting signed in to go in and see our little Hazel nut for our 20 week ultrasound). 
Then when we were getting our ultrasound the tech was doing measurements as she was looking at our little baby. I said, "It doesn't look like our baby is moving". I think she didn't want to alarm us and was checking everything to make sure that she couldn't find a heartbeat. After about ten minutes she looked at me with tears she was trying to keep at bay and told me she couldn't find a heartbeat and was going to go get a doctor. I burst into tears but I still felt hope, then doctor Heusser came in and was very sweet and was talking to us. She didn't even need to look at the ultrasound again and it was finally hitting me that this was all really happening. Right then and there when we were left alone in the office Travis gave me a powerful priesthood blessing. We both felt our Saviors love and comfort wash over us and a reassurance that he is so aware of us, our heartbreak, and that he will carry us through this. 

I could not believe the love shown to me and our family during this time. This pouring out of love has touched me in a way that has made me decide that I want to make more of an effort to be more like them, like our parents, our siblings, close friends, and even those whom we didn't know very well. We couldn't help but feel so incredibly blessed.
This is the beautiful flower and plant bouquet that Travis's family had sent to us the very next day.

My mom took off work to come and be with me, help with the kids, and be wherever we needed her. 
We scheduled to go into the hospital on Thursday morning to be induced and were told it would take between 12 to 24 hours for me to deliver our little one once they started the induction. They were going to put me on Pitocin (The medicine that induces labor) and it would probably take me a long time since I was so early and my body wouldn't want to respond for a bit. We were told we would be called when we could come in between 5 and 9 in the morning. I couldn't sleep and was up before 5. We waited and no one called so Travis called and called. We were told the hospital was full and we probably wouldn't be able to come in today but maybe by 7 that night. So Travis spent the rest of the day on the phone and Kathleen helped him set things up so that we could go to the Portneuf hospital in Pocatello, Idaho. Once there we had to wait even longer than we were told but finally by about 11 at night we were started. They did a different procedure to induce me that was only suppose to take between 4 to 12 hours. 
Travis "trying" to get some sleep in the hospital, I couldn't help but get a picture. I rested but couldn't sleep through it.
I was up feeling contractions that night but I had some medicine that morning that was amazing. I only felt a few really painful contractions and she came at 7 in the morning on April 11th 2014. She was due on August 31st. I knew she was my girl and that she is suppose to be in our family now and forever. When I held her in my hand with her tiny legs dangling around my wrist I was overcome with emotion because I felt her sweet spirit and so much love for this tiny little angel. Travis was choked with emotion and his eyes were brimming with tears as we both looked at our little girl. Then in both of our hands we tenderly held our little girl and prayed. The spirit was so strong, it was a very sacred moment for us. 
  Hazel was taken to the Hawker Funeral home by Dwayne Wren, the sweetest man. I was released from the hospital after only 3 hours of delivering Hazel. Travis, Kaydence and I went up to see Hazel that night around 7 that same night. I was a little worried about Kaydences reaction to seeing Hazel. She has loved this little baby growing in my tummy from the day she found out we were pregnant she began to track her development in my pregnancy. She really wanted to see her even though we told her how Hazel doesn't look like the babies she's seen because she wasn't fully developed, and her heart had stopped beating for quite some time in my tummy. She still wanted to see her more than anything. So we went together and it was another very tender and memorable experience. Once we arrived at the funeral home the three of us rode the elevator to the 3rd floor and walked into a room where sat a little basinet with our beautiful lil Hazel. She was a much darker color and her body was rigid but there was a definite feeling I got being around her tiny body, like I could feel her presence. Kaydence was sad and looked like she was trying to hold back the tears as we each said a few words to Hazel. Kaydence didn't know what to say at first and she just said that she was sad. Then Travis asked her if she wanted to sing Hazel a song. So Kaydence sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to her then Families Can Be Together Forever, we sang a little with her as we were so chocked up with emotion. Then Travis asked if Kaydence wanted to hold Hazel and she did. Kaydence just loved Hazel. It was so sweet to see Kaydences tears of love for Hazel. As we were sitting together Kaydence asked me how spirits leave their bodies after they died. We have talked about this before but we talked about it again. Then she said, "Then our spirits come back to our bodies when were resurrected, right?" I said, "Yes but when our bodes are reunited with our spirits our bodies will be different. They will be perfect. You know how Hazel's body isn't normal, well when she is resurrected her body will be perfect and beautiful". She looked up at me with tear filled eyes and said, "But mommy, she already is beautiful". It was the sweetest thing for her to say. 
Then a professional photographer came and took pictures of Hazel for us for free, her name was Kelly Larson. She was such a sweetheart. It's sweet that a complete stranger would do this for us. 

The sunset that night.

Us holding our tiny Hazel. 

The gorgeous flowers my mom and sister got for the service. 

  The next morning we had a little intimate service for Hazel with our family. We started at the Hawker Funeral home on Saturday April 12th at 11 am. Mom, Kathleen, Mickell and I got there early to see Hazel, get the flowers, and just hug and cry. Then everyone else got there and we started the service. Monte conducted, we started out by singing Families Can Be Together Forever, then my mom said the opening prayer. Monte shared a few words about his grandmother Hazel Peterson, whom she is named after. Hazel was an incredibly faithful woman and mother, who served as Relief Society President for 20 years along with her husband who was bishop for 20 years. Such a great woman of faith to be named after. I loved the name when I first heard it as well, I hand't heard it before and loved it. Then I got up and shared what I had learned from this whole experience. How I had to face the doubt and questions I had and how this whole experience has strengthened my faith, strengthened my faith in myself and my own experiences. I never question my faith in the Savior, his church, his called prophets, the Book of Mormon, but I often question my own spiritual experiences. This has taught me to exercise more faith in my own experiences. Then Travis gave Hazel a very special fathers blessing. Then my dad gave a closing prayer and we went out to the grave site.

We took a few pictures once there and I covered Hazel in the beautiful white afghan that Kim crocheted for her. Then Travis dedicated the grave. I loved that she was buried basically on  Dane's lap, it felt so perfect. Once the grave was covered we each placed a colorful spring flower on her grave. It was perfect.

  Then we went to the South Stake Center and had a delicious ham luncheon that Kim put together.

The day seemed lighter and it felt like the whole procession gave us closure and made this a sacred special experience. As I reflect on how things could have gone I know that this was all such a huge blessing. We are often tempted to take the easy way, which in this case would have been letting the hospital "dispose" of the body by cremation. However we chose to embrace a route which made this experience such a sacred blessing.  She is now and will forever be a member of our forever family and all of this has validated that fact for me and given me the closure my heart longed for and strengthened me and our family in so many ways. 

I just wanted to note and add some of the incredibly thoughtful things people did for us during this time. I could never list everything our parents did for us, they did more than we ever expected. Our siblings were so amazing and we all became closer through this, family truly is our greatest treasure.

These were some of the amazingly sweet things friends did for us. I didn't get a great picture of it but Jill Egan made a beautiful little dress/cuff to cover our sweet Hazel in. She made it from a wedding gown so it had beautiful bead work on it. We were also brought so many meals: Christine Silzly (had 2 meals sent to us), Katie Stout, Mardee Allen, Stella Johnson, Gloria Olshevski, Joan Archibald, Stephanie Winger, Kristy Fowler, Andrea Havlain, and Wendee Weight. We also received many sweet and tender cards that touched us. So many reached out to us and wrote us sweet comments and messages on Facebook. We have been so touched by the many prayers offered to our family during this time and the outpouring of love. We feel so undeserving of all this but so very grateful.